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From: Yellow Turtle
Date: 21 Feb 1998
A large law firm places an ad in the paper: Assistant required. Applicant should be able to type, prepare coffee and be bilingual. The next day a dog walks into the office, he is holding the paper in his teeth. – ‘Are you here for the job?’ they ask him. The dog nods his head. – ‘Can you type?’ He walks over the the word processor, sits down and surprises everyone with 65 words per minute. – ‘Can you prepare coffee?’ The dog runs over to the coffee machine, instantly changes the filter and prepares a fresh pot. – ‘Very good, but… are you bilingual?’ The dog turns and says: “Meow”
30 Mar 1998
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.” The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog’s mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog’s mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it’s closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.
Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it’s the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.
The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There’s no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him. The butcher runs up and stops the guy. “What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God’s sake!” To which the guy responds, “Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”
Date: 13 Apr 1998
Two dogs meet each other in the park. The first dog says, “Hi, I’m Rover. What’s your name?” The other dog says, “I don’t know, but I think it’s ‘Down Boy’.”
From: Sylvia from Brazil!
Date: 26 May 1998
“The Missing Portion Of Book Of Genesis”
It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, “Where do pets come from?”
And Adam said, “Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.”
And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.”
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, “But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”
And God said, “No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam’s guardian angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility.”
And the Lord said, “No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration.”
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat’s eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.
And Cat did not care one way or the other.
Date: 26 May 1998
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog’s duties.
“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.
“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck”.
A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs” she said firmly, ” to find the fire hydrant.”
Date: 02 Aug 1998
Q: What do you do if you’re an insomniac who is agnostic and dyslexic? A: Stay up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Date: 02 Aug 1998
Strict, Unbending Rules For Dealing With Stray Cats:
1. Stray cats will not be fed. 2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food. 3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk. 4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps. 5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence. 6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily. 7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name. 8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time. 9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times. 10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in “y.” 11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture. 12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture. 13. Stray cats may be permitted on furniture but must sharpen claws on new Â£59.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches. 14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the dirt. 15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh n Sweet kitty litter. 16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room. 17. Stray cats will sleep outside. 18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage. 19. Stray cats will sleep in the house. 20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket. 21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lambs wool pillow. 22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed. 23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot. 24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.
Date: 02 Aug 1998
A woman walks into a vet’s waiting room. She’s dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does not want to be there. “Sit, Fluffy,” she says.
Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer’s lap, getting water all over him.
“I said sit, now there’s a good Fluffy,” says the woman, slightly embarrassed. Fluffy quite miserable and perhaps feeling rebellious, squats in the middle of the room and urinates.
The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, “Darn it Fluffy, will you be good?!”
Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office. As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says, “Pardon me. I’ve just washed my hare, and can’t do a thing with it!”
From: Robert A. Heinlein
Date: 23 Oct 1998
“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
Date: 04 Jan 1999
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the Earth to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
Date: 20 Feb 1999
One day the man wakes up to find his family dog lying on the ground, not moving. He calls the vet who promptly comes over carrying a black bag and a black box. As the family watches the vet sets down the box and the bag and does a quick examination of the dog. He then opens up the black box and out jumps a cat. The cat looks up at the vet who nods his head. The cat walks slowly around the dog and then stops and walks areound the other way. The cat looks at the vet who nods again, and then proceeds to jump back into the box. The family eagerly awaits the vets diagnosis. The vet says, “well I’m sorry but you’re dog is dead.” The father says “how much do we owe you?” “Well,” says the vet, “it’s $40 for the examination and $50 for the cat scan! ”
Date: 03 Mar 1999
In light of the rising frequency of human – grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
We advise that outdoors-men wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them. We also advise outdoors-men to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoors-men should recognize the difference between black bear & grizzly bear excrement. Black bear excrement is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear excrement has little bells in it and smells like pepper.
Date: 18 Mar 1999
HOW TO PHOTOGRAPH YOUR PUPPY (H. Quinton)
1. Remove film from box and load camera. 2. Remove film box from puppy’s mouth and throw in garbage. 3. Remove puppy from garbage and brush coffee grounds from muzzle. 4. Choose a suitable background for photo. 5. Mount and focus camera. 6. Go find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth. 7. Place pup in pre-focused spot and return to camera. 8. Forget about spot and crawl after pup on knees. 9. Focus with one hand and fend off pup with the other. 10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens. 11. Take flash cube from pup’s mouth and discard. 12. Throw out cat and put peroxide on scratch on pup’s nose. 13. Put ashtray and magazines back on coffee table. 14. Try to get cute expression by squeaking toy over head. 15. Replace your glasses on your face and fish camera from under sofa. 16. Jump up in time to grap pup by scruff and say “no, outside”. 17. Call spouse to clean up mess. 18. Fix double martini. 19. Sit back in lazyboy and resolve to teach pup ‘sit-stay’ first thing tomorrow.
Date: 24 Mar 1999
A New Generation -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: “What does the cow say?” Child: “Moooo!” Mother: “Great! What does the cat say?” Child: “Meow.” Mother: “Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?”
The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, “Bud.”
Date: 29 Mar 1999
THE DOGGIE PLEDGE
* I will not eat the cats’ food, before or after they eat it. * “Kitty box crunchies” are not food. * The computer’s mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible. * I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones. * I will not play tug-o’-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet. * I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing. * I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them. * I will not chew crayons or pens, ‘specially not the red ones so my people will think I am dying. * I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. * I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her ear. * I will not jump through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells. * I will not throw up in the car. * I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for Mom’s driver’s license and car registration. * When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside. * I must shake the rainwater out of my fur *before* entering the house. * I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet. * I will not steal my Mom’s underwear and dance all over the back yard with it. * The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad’s laps. * We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV. * I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table. * My head does not belong in the refrigerator. * I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. * The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
Date: 27 Apr 1999
Dog Personalities -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Afghan: Light bulb? What light bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re worrying about a burned out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
Daschund: I can’t reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it.
Rotweiller: Make me!
Shi-tzu: Pul-leeze, dahling, I have servants for that kind of thing.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeasze let me change the light bulb. Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Beagle : Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I ate was a light bulb?
Siberian Husky: Light bulb?!? I ate the light bulb, and the lamp, and the coffee table it sat on, and the carpet under the coffee table and…
Cat: You need light to see?
From: Mr. FunnyBone
Date: 18 May 1999
Cats in Physics -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
1 – Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upo by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
2 – Law of Cat Motion: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
3 – Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
4 – Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
5 – Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
6 – Law of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
7 – Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
8 – Law of Cat Acceleration: A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
9 – Law of Dinner Table Attendance: Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
10 – Law of Rug Configuration: No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
11 – Law of Obedience Resistance: A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to do something.
12 – First Law of Energy Conservation: Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
13 – Second Law of Energy Conservation: Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
14 – Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
15 – Law of Electric Blanket Attraction: Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
16 – Law of Random Comfort Seeking: A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
17 – Law of Bag / Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
18 – Law of Cat Embarrassment: A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
19 – Law of Milk Consumption: A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
20 – Law of Furniture Replacement: A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
21 – Law of Cat Landing: A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
22 – Law of Fluid Displacement: A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
23 – Law of Cat Disinterest: A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
24 – Law of Pill Rejection: Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
25 – Law of Cat Composition: A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.
From: The Golds (Author Unkown)
Date: 14 Aug 1999
I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.
I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be
Today I sniffed
Many dog butts-I celebrate
By kissing your face.
I sound the alarm!
Paperboy-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
Mailman Fiend-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm! Meter reader-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
Garbage man-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
Neighbor’s cat-come to kill us all!
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush.
Hello, Spot – Sniff this and weep
How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.
My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle
I hate my choke chain –
Look, world, they strangle me!
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!
Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot – no greater bliss – well,
Maybe catching cats
Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do
The cat is not all
Bad-she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls
Dig under fence-why?
Because it’s there. Because it’s
There. Because it’s there.
I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.
My owners’ mood is
Romantic-I lie near their
Feet. I fart a big one.
Date: 15 Sep 1999
The aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
“Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor, to the student from the University of Houston, “What is the opposite of joy?”
“Sadness,” said the UH student.
“And the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from the University of Texas.
“Elation,” said she.
“And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas A&M, “how about the opposite of woe?
The Aggie replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.”
Date: 19 Nov 1999
The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers:
FREE PUPPIES: COCKER SPANIEL – SNEAKY NEIGHBOR’S DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
FREE PUPPIES…PART GERMAN SHEPHERD – PART STUPID DOG
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED…ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT…BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE A REWARD.
Date: 10 Dec 1999
Christmas Dog ————-
Tonight’s my first night as a watchdog and here it is Christmas Eve The children are sleeping all cozy upstairs, While I’m guardin’ the stockin’s and tree.
What’s that now? Footsteps on the rooftop? Could it be a cat or mouse? Who’s this down the chimney? A thief with a beard and a big sack for robbin’ the house?
I’m barkin’, I’m growlin’, I’m bitin’ his butt. He howls and jumps back in his sleigh. I scare his strange horses, they leap in the air! I’ve frightened the whole bunch away!
Now the house is all peaceful and quiet again. The stockin’s are safe as can be. Won’t the kiddies be glad when they wake up tomorrow and see how I’ve guarded the tree!!
Date: 16 Dec 1999
WALKIN’ IN A DOGGIE WONDERLAND
Dog tags ring, are you listening’? In the lane, snow is glistening’. It’s yellow, NOT white, I’ve been there tonight, Marking up my winter wonderland.
Smell that tree? That’s my fragrance. It’s a sign for wandering vagrants; “Avoid where I pee, it’s MY pro-per-ty! Marked up as my winter wonderland.”
In the meadow dad will build a snowman, Following the classical design. Then I’ll lift my leg and let it go Man, So all the world will know that it’s Mine-mine–mine!
Straight from me to the fence post, Flows my natural incense boast; “Stay off my TURF, this small piece of earth, I marked it as my winter wonderland.”
From: Maurice (Dr. Schwartz’s Dad!)
Date: 21 Jan 2000
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, “Excuse me, where are we?” “This is heaven, sir,” the man answered. “Wow! Would you happen to have some water?” the man asked. “Of course, sir. Come right in, and I’ll have some ice water brought right up.” The man gestured, and the gate began to open. “Can my friend,” gesturing toward his dog, “come in, too?” the traveler asked. “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept pets.” The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree, reading a book. “Excuse me!” he called to the reader. “Do you have any water?” “Yeah, sure, there’s a pump over there”. The man pointed to a place that couldn’t be seen from outside the gate. “Come on in.” “How about my friend here?” the traveler gestured to the dog. “There should be a bowl by the pump.” They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them. “What do you call this place?” the traveler asked. “This is heaven,” was the answer. “Well, that’s confusing,” the traveler said. “The man down the road said that was heaven, too.” “Oh, you mean the place with the gold streets and pearly gates? Nope! That’s hell.” “Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use your name like that?” “No. I can see how you might think so, but we’re just happy that they screen out the folks who’ll leave their best friends behind”.
From: Dr. Cookie
Date: 27 Feb 2000
“Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.” Unknown
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” Robert Benchley
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.” Sue Murphy
“Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth!” Anne Tyler
“I wonder if other dogs think Poodles are members of a weird religious cult.” Rita Rudner
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.” Ann Landers
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.” — Ben Williams
“When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.” Edward Abbey
“No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.” Christopher Morley
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” Andrew A. Rooney
“If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.” Mark Twain
“Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.” Smiley Blanton
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.” John Steinbeck
Date: 03 Apr 2000
Three Labrador Retrievers (chocolate, yellow and black) are sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the chocolate and says, “So why are you here?” He replies, “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything – the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed.”
The black lab says, “So what is the vet going to do?” “Gonna give me Prozac”, came the reply from the chocolate lab. “All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything.”
He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, “Why are you here?” The yellow lab says, “I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets. But I crossed the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner’s couch.”
“So what are they going to do to you?” the black lab inquired. “Looks like Prozac for me too”, the dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he’s at the vet’s office for.
“I’m a humper”,the black lab says. “I’ll hump anything. A cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away.”
The yellow and chocolate labs exchange a sad glance and say, “So, Prozac for you too, huh?” The black lab says, “No, I’m here to get my nails clipped.”
[Note: Prozac is not recommended for the treatment of any of these problems; these dogs would have been better treated with behavior modification and not with drugs!]
Date: 14 Jul 2000
Dog breeds that didn’t make it:
Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Bloodhound + Borzoi = Bloody Bore, a dog that’s not much fun
Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador= Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by….oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway
Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end
Date: 28 Jul 2000
A woman takes her dog to the vet because he snores loud enough to wake the dead. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles and he will stop snoring. A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog’s testicles, sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed! Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband’s testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps very soundly. The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says: “Boy, I don’t remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!”
Date: 17 Sep 2000
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them: “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.” The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Um. I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab, and says, “Liver alone. Cheese mine.”
Date: 18 Sep 2000
If a dog were your teacher you would learn stuff like…
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. When it’s in your best interest-practice obedience. Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory. Take naps and stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body. No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout run right back and make friends. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you’re not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
From: Heather M
Date: 27 Oct 2000
A man’s dog is hit by a car, so he takes it to the vet. The vet says, “Sorry sir, but your dog is dead.” The owner, upset, say’s “I want a second opinion.” The vet opens the door and a labrador comes walking in. The dog walks around the dead dog, then barks, then leaves the room. The vet looks at the owner, of the dead dog, “Sorry sir, your dog is dead.” Still unsatisfied, the owner says I want a third opinion. The vet walks to the door again and opens it, a cat comes in to the room and walks around the dead dog, then meows, and then leaves the room. The vet again, turns to the owner, “Sorry sir, your dog is dead.” The owner turns and walks out of the room and up to the front desk, and gets the bill. He became horrified at the price. He turns to the vet, “$600 dollars? For what?” The vet looks at the owner and says, “It would have been only 50 dollars for me, but you wanted the LAB test and CAT scan.”
Date: 29 Oct 2000
Dog Property Laws 1. If I like it, it’s mine. 2. If its in my mouth, it’s mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine. 5. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. 6. If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 7. If it looks like mine, it’s mine. 8. If I saw it first, it’s mine. 9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10. If its broken, it’s yours.
Date: 17 Nov 2000
Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with an Irish setter he doted on. The dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest.
“Father, me dog is dead,” he said. “Could you be saying a Mass for the creature?”
Father Patrick replied, “No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there’s a new denomination down the road. No telling what they believe. Maybe they can be doin’ something for ya.”
Muldoon said, “I’ll go right now. Do ya think a couple o’thousand is enough to donate for the service?”
Father Patrick placed a hand on Muldoon’s forearm. “For God’s sake, man, why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?”
Date: 27 Nov 2000
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse; The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there; The children were nestled all snug in their beds, With no thought of the dog filling their head. And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap, Knew he was cold, but didn’t care about that. When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, Figuring the dog was free of his chain and into the trash. The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below, When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, But Santa Claus – with eyes full of tears. He unchained the dog, once so lively and quick, Last years Christmas present, now painfully thin and sick.. More rapid than eagles he called the dogs name. And the dog ran to him, despite all his pain; “Now, DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN! On, COMET! on CUPID! on, DONDER and BLITZEN! To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall! Let’s find this dog a home where he’ll be loved by all” I knew in an instant there would be no gifts this year, For Santa Claus had made one thing quite clear, The gift of a dog is not just for the season, We had gotten the pup for all the wrong reasons. In our haste to think of the kids a gift There was one important thing that we missed. A dog should be family, and cared for the same You don’t give a gift, then put it on a chain. And I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight, “You weren’t giving a gift! You were giving a life!”
From: Mark Cohen from Montreal, Canada
Date: 27 Nov 2000
Outside of a dog a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s entirely too dark to read. – Groucho Marx –
From: Adam C.
Date: 16 Dec 2000
A man is sitting on the side walk and a funeral comes up the street. It consists of two huge hearses, a guy walking a huge snarling German Shepherd, and 200 guys behind him. The guy approaches the man who has the dog. “What happened?” he asks. My Shepherd ate my wife AND my mother-in-law, that is why there are 2 hearses. “Wow,” says the other guy, “can I borrow that dog?”. The guy with the dog says, “get in line!”
Date: 16 Dec 2000
“One can measure the greatness and the moral progress of a nation by looking at how it treats her animals.” —Mahatma Ghandi
From: Susan b
Date: 18 Jan 2001
If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have?
A receding hare line!
Date: 08 Feb 2001
How to Bathe a Cat
* Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower.(A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
* Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.
* Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached.
* Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney. Cats are gullible that way!)
* Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles when wet. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He’ll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off.
* Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That’s because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
* In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho-ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.
[PS For more serious and practical tips on how to bathe your pet, order Dr. Cookie’s handout on the QuickFix Handouts page!]
Date: 11 Feb 2001
How to give Cats and Dogs a Pill
How to Give A Cat a Pill…
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently pply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow at to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink the beer you opened in Step 9. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss-back another shot. Throw shirtaway and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call the fire department to retrieve the f—— cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to Give A Dog A Pill:
1) Wrap it in a piece of cheese.
[PS: Dr. Cookie says cream cheese, and other yummies, work for kitties, too!]
Date: 24 Feb 2001
Why are dogs better than women:
– It is easy to know what they want and why they are not happy. – They are always ready to go out. – They don’t require a lot of money. – They never hint how much better than you their friend’s owners are. – They are seldom obsessed with their mothers (or yours). – Having a dog helps a man attract women, having a girlfriend/wife doesn’t. – They like dirt and disorder in the house. –
Why women are better than dog?
– They are allowed in all restaurants and hotels. – They fit more easily on the back of a motorbike.
Date: 15 Mar 2001
Q: What’s the difference between a woman having PMS and a Pit Bull?
Date: 04 Apr 2001
Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Date: 16 Apr 2001
One day a duck walked into a bar. He went up to the bartender and asked for some cheese. The bartender said, “We don’t have any cheese, sorry”. So the duck walked out of the store.
The next day, the duck walked into the same bar. He said, ” Do you have any cheese?”, and the bartender said, “NO. I’m very sorry sir, but we don’t have any cheese.”
The same thing happened twice more, until the on the last day, the duck walked in again. He said, ” Do you have any cheese?”. This time the bartender was mad. He said, ” NO! WE DON’T HAVE ANY CHEESE! NOW IF YOU COME BACK AND ASK THAT ONE MORE TIME, I’LL NAIL YOU TO THE WALL!”
But, the next day, the duck came back. This time, he asked,” Do you have any nails?”. Then the bartender said, “No”. So then, being satisfied, the duck asked, ” Do you have any cheese?” So, the duck walked out of the bar.
Date: 18 Apr 2001
A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. So he calls him Irving. He can’t wait to show him off to his neighbor, so when the neighbor finally comes over, the guy calls Irving into the house, bragging about how smart he is. The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation. The guy points to the newspaper by the door and commands “Okay, Irving, Fetch!” Immediately, the dog climbs on to the couch and sits, his tail wagging furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears. He starts to frown and puts on a sour face. Looking up at his master, he whines, “You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy … This constant wagging of the tail puts me in such pain, you should only know! And you think it’s easy eating that dreck you call designer dog food. Forget it…it’s too salty and it gives me gas. And also the runs, but what do you care? Why don’t you try it if you think it’s so good? You try it. Dreck I say! Then you push me out the door to take care of my business, twice a day. It’s disgusting I tell you! And when was the last time you took me for a nice long walk? I can’t remember when!” The neighbor is absolutely amazed … stunned. In astonishment, he says, “I can’t believe it. Irving can speak. Your dog actually talks. Here he is sitting on the sofa talking to us.” “I know, I know.” says the owner. “He’s not yet fully trained yet. He thought I said, ‘Kvetch’.”
Date: 20 Apr 2001
SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT
If we could shrink the earth’s population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, there would be:
57 Asians 8 Africans 21 Europeans 14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north & south.
52 would be female 48 would be male.
70 would be non-white 30 would be white.
70 would be non-Christian 30 would be Christian.
6 people would possess 59% of the entire world’s wealth and all 6 would be from the United States.
80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education 1 (yes, only 1) would own a computer.
When you consider our world from such a compressed perspective, the need for acceptance, understanding, and education becomes very apparent.
[I know this isn’t pet related, but it seems that if we love our pets, we should be able to better love each other, n’est ce pas? – Dr. Schwartz]
Date: 01 May 2001
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune….
Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
Date: 15 May 2001
Mrs. Broomfield’s dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. He couldn’t accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you the check. By the way, don’t worry about my Rottweiler. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!”
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Broomfield’s apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled: “Shut up, you stupid bird!”
To which the parrot replied: “Get him, Brutus”.
From: Denise Hall-Turpin
Date: 18 May 2001
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A Golden Retriever!
Date: 11 Jun 2001
EXCERPTS FROM “A CAT’S GUIDE TO HUMAN BEINGS”
1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans? So you’ve decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you’ve joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence. What’s so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:
THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.
2. How And When to Get Your Human’s Attention Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping. Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice. Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want: Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it’s something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children. Waking your human at odd hours: A cat’s “golden time” is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human’s sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.
3. Punishing Your Human Being Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives: * Use the cat box during an important formal dinner. * Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude. * Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack. * After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling. * While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.
4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive? The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disemboweled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they’ve been presented. After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbor’s Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human’s face, you’ll know it’s worth it.
5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human? You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They’re humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.
Date: 08 Jul 2001
A client brought a litter of Golden Retriever puppies to the veterinary clinic for inoculations and deworming. As the look alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, the veterinarian realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. The veterinarian turned on the water faucet, wet her fingers, and moistened each dog’s head when she had finished.
After the fourth puppy, the veterinarian noticed the hitherto talkative client had grown silent. As the veterinarian sprinkled the last pup’s head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, “I didn’t know they had to be baptized.”
Date: 10 Oct 2001
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then you are probably a dog.
From: Animal Luva
Date: 30 Oct 2001
Q: What’s the difference between a Man and a Puppy?
A: Eventually, the puppy grows up
Date: 07 Nov 2001
The Americans and Russians, at the height of the arms race, realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After five years they came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were two inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog.
The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the dachshund’s neck the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief.
“We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves.”
“Da’s nothin”, said Thibodeaux, the Cajun, representing the Americans. “We had our bess plastic surgins workin’ fo’ five year to make dat alligator look like a weenie dog.”
Date: 02 Dec 2001
Who needs a man……….
If you want someone who will do anything to please you, get a dog.
If you want someone who will bring you the newspaper without tearing through it first for the sports page, get a dog.
If you want someone who’ll make a total fool of himself because he’s so glad to see you, get a dog.
If you want someone who eats whatever you put in front of him and never says his mother made it better, get a dog.
If you want someone who’s always eager to go out any time you ask and anywhere you want to go, get a dog.
If you want someone who can scare away burglars without waving a lethal weapon around, endangering you and all the neighbors, get a dog.
If you want someone who never touches the remote, couldn’t care less about Monday Night Football, and watches dramatic movies with you as long as you want, get a dog.
If you want someone who’ll be content just to snuggle up and keep you warm in bed, and who you can kick out of bed if he slobbers and snores, get a dog.
If you want someone who never criticizes anything you do, doesn’t care how good or bad you look, acts as though every word you say is worth hearing, never complains, and loves you unconditionally all the time, get a DOG!
On the other hand…
If you want someone who never comes when you call him, totally ignores you when you walk in the room, leaves hair all over the place, walks allover you, prowls around all night and comes home only to eat and sleep all day, and acts as though you are there only to see that HE’s happy…
Get a CAT
Date: 17 Dec 2001
There was this guy who was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to Frank’s with me and have a beer?” But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?” But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede’s house and shouting, “HEY, IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO FRANK’S PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH ME?” A little voice came out of the box: “I heard you the first time! I’m still putting on my shoes.”
From: L. Cooper
Date: 17 Jan 2002
DOGS’ NEW YEAR PROMISES
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering my owner’s house. I will not eat the cats’ food, before nor after they eat it. I will not throw up in the car. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc…. I will not lick my human’s face after eating animal poop. I will not eat any more socks nor chew on shoes. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not wake up Mom by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end. I will not chew my owners’ toothbrush and not tell them about it. I will not chew crayons nor pens, especially NOT the RED ones, or my owners will think that……..I am bleeding. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside. We do not have a doorbell so….I will not bark when I hear one on TV. The sofa is NOT a face towel. My head does not belong in the refrigerator. I will not bite the Officer’s hand when he reaches in for Mom’s Driver’s License and Car Registration. Kitty-Box Crunchies are NOT food. The Garbage Collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
Date: 22 Jan 2002
Every dog lover should…
Know his dog’s birthday; leave phone messages for the dog; get birthday gifts from the dog; consider getting a cat for the dog; see babies and think puppies; have a near-miss in traffic because a dog was walking by; have stepped in some; barefoot; in the dark; know better than to leave a closet open; know all dogs by name; if not all owners; be pleased to learn that 63% of you sleep with them; buy anything a dog is selling; should be counted on to ask, no matter what other awful things are reported, was the dog ok? understand they are never replaced; and you will fall in love again. [T.Elliott, J.Boiler, & K.Smith-Blum]
Date: 28 Feb 2002
A 3-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.
“How did you know?” his mother asked. “Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied. I think it’s printed on the bottom.”
Date: 14 Aug 2002
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive. “Dead.” She was informed. “How do you know?” she asked her pupil. “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently. “You did WHAT?!?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”
From: shaela gottlieb toronto canada
Date: 12 Feb 2003
a 3 legged dog hobbles into a western saloon – hobbles up to the bar and says to the bar tender–i’m looking fro the guy who shot my paw!
From: Cindy and Jake
Date: 24 Feb 2003
If Dogs Sent Letters to God…
Dear God, Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?
Dear God, When we get to heaven can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear God, Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang,The colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle?
Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God, If we come back as humans, is that good, or bad?
Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the Schnauzer across the street.
Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID’s, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God, May I have my testicles back?
Date: 23 Apr 2003
On the first day of creation, God created the cat. On the second day, God created humans to serve the cat. On the third, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat. On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that humans could labor for the good of the cat. On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it. On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy. On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to scoop the litter box.
Date: 26 Nov 2003
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.” John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued. “May I ask what the turkey did?” Happy Thanksgiving!
Date: 23 Dec 2003
Dog tags ring, are you listenin’? In the lane, snow is glistenin’.
It’s yellow, NOT white, I’ve been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.
Smell that tree? That’s my fragrance.
It’s a sign for wand’ring vagrants;
“Avoid where I pee, It’s MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland.”
In the meadow dad will build a snowman, Following the classical design.
Then I’ll lift my leg and let it go man, So all the world will know it’s mine-mine-mine!
Straight from me to the fencepost,
Flows my natural incense boast;
“Stay off of my TURF, This small piece of Earth,
I marked it as my winter wonderland.
Date: 23 Jan 2004
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, your pet has passed away.â€ The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure? â€œYes, I’m sure. The duck is dead,” he replied. “How can you be so sure,â€ she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.” The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and they left the room, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its peak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.” Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried. “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!” The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up.”
Date: 12 Apr 2004
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG’S DAILY DIARY: 8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9:30 am. Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite! 9:40 am. Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite! 10:30 am Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite! 11:30 am Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite! Noon- Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite! 1:00 pm. Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite! 4:00 pm. Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite! 5:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite! 5:30 pm. Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite! 6:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite! 6:30 am. Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite! 8:30 pm. Oh, boy! Sleeping in master’s bed! My favorite!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT’S DAILY DIARY: Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild scolding I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time ….
Date: 24 Apr 2004
WHAT DOES A DOG WISH FOR? A WISHBONE
From: Tori 😉
Date: 22 Aug 2004
their was 3 dogs a rotwiler named cleo, a , golden retiever named max and a chihuahua named tacobell and they all wanted to take this poodle to dinner the poodle said ill only go with the dog who makes the best sentence with liver and cheese! so the rotwiler said i love liver, and hate cheese. The golden retiever said i love cheese and hate liver. and the chihuauh, tacobell said lever chees mine! (get it leve her shes mine, liver cheese mine LOL)
Date: 02 Sep 2004
Q: When is the vet busiest? A: When it’s raining cats and dogs.
Q: What happened when the dog ate his owner’s watch? A: He got a lot of ticks.
Q: What is a baseball dog? A: One that catches flies, chases fowls, and dashes for home when he sees the catcher.
From: Sophie Richards
Date: 03 Dec 2004
A little old woman was in the kitchen one day, washing the dishes when suddenly a little genie appeared beside her. “You`ve lived a long good life” said the genie “I’ve come to reward you by granting you three wishes. “OK” said the old woman, “turn all those dirty dishes into money.” “POOF” all the dishes had changed into money “turn me into a beautiful young woman.” said the old woman “POOF” the old woman had changed into a beautiful 20 year old then the woman asked the genie to turn her cat into a beautiful 20 year old man “POOF” the cat had turned into a handsome young man “I want to make love to you all day and all night long” said the woman. “Well you should have thought about that before you had me neutered!” said the man.
From: Sophie Richards
Date: 03 Dec 2004
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man? A. It’s nice but can it pick up peanuts?
Date: 04 Feb 2005
why was the cat worried? because there was a catastrophe!
Date: 05 Feb 2005
A dog, in thinking about his humans, says to himself, “They love me, they pet me, they feed me – they must be gods” A cat, on the other hand, thinks, “They love me, they pet me, they feed me – I must be a god.”
Date: 29 Mar 2005
Q: why did the dog sit in the shade A: because he didn’t want to be a hot dog
Date: 8 June 2005
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she’s lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!”, says the leopard , “That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for hi mself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?”, but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: “Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”
Date: 28 August 2005
One evening, an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, “My son, the battle is between 2 “wolves” inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf wins?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
Date: 12 January 2006
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It’s the best deal man has ever made.
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise.
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your
pocket and then give him only two of them.
Date: 8 January 2007
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW drives up in a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?” The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, and then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: “Sure. Why not?
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says: “You have exactly 1586 sheep.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep.”, says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?” The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a consultant.” says the shepherd.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required”, answered the shepherd. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don’t know crap about my business. Now give me back my DOG.”
HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb!
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or “We don’t need no stinking light bulb.”
12. Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
13. Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…
14. Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:
“How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?”
Date: April 6, 2011
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
…Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!